so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
