She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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