He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
