I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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