god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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