omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
