My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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