i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
