meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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