I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
