He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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