I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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