just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
