it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
