dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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