Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
