She is in my trunk
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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