It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
