Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
