Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
