are you still at the devil's house?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
