got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I need to calm my uterus...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
