got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
