smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
