I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
