I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
