go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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