apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
