he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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