I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
