eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
