I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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