my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
