I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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