you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
