I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I want is dick and wine.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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