So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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