I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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