I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
