dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
