I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
