Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize