Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
