dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You made out with two different species that night
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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