I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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