There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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