Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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