Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
