Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
