i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
