I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
