Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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