Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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