The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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