you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
