i jhust puked up my retainher.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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