Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
