I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My cat gives me a boner
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
