Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize