drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
