i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
