FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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