theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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