Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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