the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
only if we run a train.
done.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
