Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
