You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I didn't notice because vodka
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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