i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
