The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just invented taco cereal.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
