I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
