I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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